I chose this title because that is my exact emotion I’m feeling right now. Disappointed; Mainly in myself.

For the past 50 days, I’ve participated in a fitness challenge at a local studio gym. As part of the challenge, we could go to class twice a day, bring new friends with us, and make a social media post to our accounts. All of these actions resulted in the participants (me) collecting stars on a calendar.

This was super hard, considering I had to go to classes fitted around Drake’s nap schedule, stay up until midnight to book him into childcare a week early, and it became physically taxing to do two workouts a day. Nevertheless, I persisted and didn’t give up.

Every time they’ve done a point count, I’ve come up as #1. Yay!! At least my hard work was paying off, right?

Fast forward to today.

The results are up…

I didn’t win.

Like what?? How did I go from #1 every point count, to someone else jumping up 79 points since the last count? I mean good for her, clearly she’s a machine. Me? I’m just a busy mom.

As Nathan would say, “if you’re not first, you’re last” and truthfully, I feel like I’m in last place. Which is SO dumb because I’m not, but I had worked so so so hard to win.

I’m feeling disappointed because I figured that these last 50 days would pay off with winning the 6 month membership.

Pay off for putting Drake into daycare over 75 times just to get to class.

Pay off for neglecting household chores.

Pay off for leaving during the only alone time I have with my husband.

Pay off for the constant zombie-like state I’ve been in for the last 2 weeks….okay maybe the last 50 days.

Pay off for missing out on other activities I wanted to go to, but couldn’t because I needed to get my class in.

I feel really guilty, when I know I shouldn’t. Feeling like I shouldn’t have given in to my super competitive nature & just spent more time with my baby instead. At least I’ve learned from this lesson.

I feel like I’ll never do this challenge again, but there were some positives that came out of it too. I’ve lost almost all of my remaining baby weight, resulting in being 17lbs lighter since August. I’ve made good friendships with some of the other people at Oranj. I have really found a deep love and connection for yoga. I have appreciated spending time alone. I have made good connections with the instructors. I feel like I belong there. But, among all of that, I do feel a loss.

It’s okay to feel sad.

I am a healthier version of myself a year ago. I may be the same weight as I was before I had a baby, but I can now do full pushups and spin over 135rpm. I am VERY proud of myself for sticking to the 50 day challenge, but still feeling a little glum.

I’ll get over it.

In the mean time, I’ll be over here slowly (mainly because I’m so sore lol) picking myself up to dance under my little rain cloud. Cheers to being done 50 hard days of working out!!


ps. just because the challenge is over, doesn’t mean I’m done going. I still love getting my sweat on so I can eat a guilt free bowl of popcorn haha.